Hinglish

I've mentioned several times before how impressed I have been with my friends' abilities to speak English.  Most people I know here are fluent in a minimum of two languages, frequently three or more.  It's not uncommon for people to move from one language to another seamlessly in a single conversation.  It annoys me sometimes when my friends switch to Hindi mid-sentence to tell a joke that's only funny in Hindi.  Everyone else is laughing...except me.  Don't worry, guys, I forgive you.  I'll just start telling jokes in German or Pig Latin and then you'll be sorry....

Anyway, there are a few idiosyncracies to the Indian version of the English language that have taken me some time to pick up.  I've compiled a list of some of my favorites (or is it favourites?) and their meanings below - in no particular order...enjoy!

• Timepass: to pass time by doing nothing important.  "Why are you watching that TV show?" "Oh it's just a timepass..."  They even have crackers named after this phrase.  They resemble Ritz crackers.  I find the name almost demeaning to crackers - after all, they're more important than their name gives them credit for. Where else would the cheese go???
• Only: People will add a superfluous "only" to the end of sentences here. From what I can tell, it's meant to emphasize a point. As in: Mr. Straight Talk: "Why didn't you call me last night? I was waiting up for you..." Me: "I called only! You didn't pick up the phone only!" (this didn't actually happen, thankfully...although it might have if I hadn't stopped responding to him)
• Too good: this means superlatively good. Not in the sense that it has surpassed some acceptable level of goodness, but rather just that it is very very good.  It wouldn't be out of line to say that DDLJ is "too good."  Actually, I mean it in the American sense of the phrase, too.  DDLJ has ruined all other movies for me, so in that sense it is truly too good...
• Clear up doubts: to resolve outstanding questions.  Student to professor: "About that lecture, I have some doubts..." But in this case "doubts" means "questions."  The student isn't actually calling the professor a liar.
• Where do you stay vs where do you live: If asked where you stay, the person is inquiring after your current residence.  If asked where you live, the person is referencing your hometown.  In my case, I stay in Worli but live in Chicago...or Michigan.  The "live" thing could have multiple meanings in my case...
• Flatmates vs. roommates: Flatmates are people you share an apartment with.  Roommates are people you share a room with.  When I first got here, I would tell people I have two roommates.  Their response would be "wait - you share a room with a guy and a girl?"  No.  I love Ami and Kevin, but no.  Hells no.
• Auntie and uncle: People here will refer to anyone older than them as "auntie" or "uncle" (depending on the addressee's gender).  I was worried about what to call my friend Priyanka's parents when I met them, and Ami told me that the usual form of address for friends' parents is auntie and uncle.  If they introduce themselves with their first name, then you call them "Auntie [First name]."  This isn't only used for relatives of friends but for anyone to whom you want to show respect.  You can call the proprietor of a restaurant "uncle" (regardless of whether you want to get free appetizers or not...which you most likely won't).  I suppose it's almost interchangable with "sir" and "ma'am." 
• Boss: Another popular form of address is the word "boss."  In this case, you will say it to a stranger or someone who is in the service industry (e.g. rickshaw drivers, busboys, etc.)  Taxi drivers will lean out the window and yell at passersby "Hey Boss!  How do you get to The Big Nasty?" (true story).  You can also say it to your friends, usually in the context of asking for a favor.  "Hey boss can I borrow 100 rupees?"  This one weirds me out, to be honest - I don't like it when anyone calls me "boss" - unless they're using the dated term for "fabulous" from the 90's.  In that case, I'll permit it.
• The same: I've mentioned this one before, but it's worth repeating.  People will say "the same" to reference to something they mentioned earlier.  As in, "I baked some cookies.  If anyone eats the same before I get home, there will be hell to pay."  Don't touch my cookies, people.  And don't refer to them as "the same" because that sounds weird.
• Kindly: Instead of saying please, people will use the word "kindly."  "Kindly don't eat my cookies."  It sounds very proper and nice when you say it like that, right?
• Sorry x 2: In India, saying "sorry" only once doesn't quite get across the point you're trying to make.  You have to say "sorry" twice, immediately in succession, preferably in an Indian accent.  "Sawrly, sawrly."  Or else you're not really sorry.
• Yeah x 3: Similarly to "sorry," it doesn't suffice to only say "yeah" once when you're agreeing with someone.  You have to say it three times.  Like Chris Brown does.
• Lakh and crore: These are monetary units; a lakh is one-hundred thousand, and a crore is ten million.  In business, people speak about revenues in these terms rather than the million and billion I'm accustomed to using.  This results in me having to do more mental math to convert crores of rupees into millions of dollars in my head on a daily basis.  Quick trick: multiply by 2 and divide by 100.  You're welcome.
• Signal vs light: The lights that direct traffic at intersections here are called signals, not lights.  Telling your cab driver to turn left at the light will confuse them and make them swerve at the nearest lamppost.  This mistake has caused several completely unnecessary panicked moments and/or near accidents during my time here.  You'd think I would have learned after the first time it happened, but no.
• Give an exam: To take an exam.  Personally, I'd much rather give an exam than take it, but unfortunately here they mean the same thing.  For example, I "gave" the GMAT in September.  What did I give it, you ask?  A whooping, that's what :)
• Talk on a topic:  to speak about a topic.  How exactly does one talk on a topic?  Do you stand on a piece of paper with the topic name written on it before starting the conversation?  That seems overly complicated, don't you think?  Perhaps I'm being too literal...
• ABCD: an acronym for American Born Confused Desi.  This is a slightly derogatory term for Indian-Americans who are perceived as having distanced themselves from their roots.  I had actually heard this term in the states before coming here, but figure some of you reading this won't be familiar.  Apparently there is a longer version - ABCDEFGHIJ: American Born Confused Desi Escaped From Gujarat Hiding In Jersey - but that's just a mouthful!
• Real sister vs sister cousin: a "real" sister is the daughter of your parents.  A "sister cousin" is a female cousin - e.g. your mother's brother's daughter.  This phrasing results from the translation from Hindi to English (at least I assume so).  Hindi has a different word for each relative of yours based on their relationship to you.   In the states I call my mom's brother and my dad's brother both by the same name - "uncle."  In Hindi these two relatives are given more specific titles/terms that define exactly how I am related to each of them.  I'm assuming that these naming conventions in Hindi resulted in the more specific terms for your relatives in English as well.  Whenever someone tells me about their "real" sister, I ask them to tell me a story about their "fake" sister.  They rarely laugh. 
• FOB: acronym for Fresh Off the Boat.  This is used to describe people born and raised in India but living in other countries.  One time, I picked up the house phone when Ami's mom (who lives in San Fran) called.  Her mom assumed it was Ami picking up the phone, and so starts saying "hello?  Helloooooooo?  Ami??? This is your mother!!!!" in a heavily accented voice.  I hand the phone to Ami, who later apologizes because her mom "gets really fobby when she's flustered." 
• One by two: This is how you order food if you want to split a dish.  Ami and I ordered soup for lunch this week, and we had to specify that we wanted "one by two" - meaning one order of soup, split into two bowls.  If we had been in a dirty or greasy restaurant, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to resist humming "the ants go marching one by two, hurrah...hurrah..."  to myself.  But I didn't.

Ok I think that's enough Hinglish for one day.  Indian friends - please send me more suggestions!  I'm also compiling a list of Hindi slang and phrases that I'm picking up, so stay tuned for that...

Top 10 Things I'm Going To Miss About Mumbai

With Ami's last day of work today, I'm feeling nostalgic.  After all, I only have one more week of work left as well before I head off on my travels around India and Nepal.  How has my time gone by here so quickly? 

Marine Drive - aka "the queen's necklace"

 

With that in mind, I've compiled a list of the things I'm going to miss most about this wonderful city.  Some are predictable, but perhaps others will surprise you:

 

10. Lunchtime gossip sessions.  Every day at lunch, my group of friends and I go downstairs, sit together and eat lunch.  This is the time of day when we catch up on the events in everyone's lives - work, family, love, friends - and it has allowed me to get to know these people so well in a short timeframe.  I love how people here reserve time out of their days to back away from their laptop screens and interact with their colleagues for an hour.  It's not that much time, but it makes a huge difference in the quality of relationships built.

 

9. The pugs in my building- Socky and Mugume (I most likely butchered the spellings).  These two puppies have come to recognize me as the lady who gets very excited and sits down on the ground so that they can jump up and lick my cheek.  They get almost as excited to see me as I do to see them!  Yes, they are no substitute for the Tiki Monster, but they've provided me with much-needed moments of joy and affection during my time here.  Plus I always get a kick over how their owners react to the crazy white lady who sits down on the sidewalk to molest their dogs.

 

8. Indian fashion.  I know I've said this before, but the clothes here are so freaking comfortable.  I love wearing Indian fashion to work during the day.  Not only is it ridiculously comfortable but it's adorable and ethnic and funky.  I don't think I'll be able to pull off most of my Indian outfits in the states, however.  Sigh.  Knowing me, that doesn't mean I won't try :)

 

7. My cleaning crew.  I haven't cooked myself breakfast, cleaned my shower, done my laundry, or mopped my floors since I've been here.  I haven't made my bed in months!  It's going to be rough to have to do things for myself once I'm back in the states.  All visitors should prepare themselves for a house that appears like a tornado has blown through it, at least for the first couple months until I get back in the groove of things...

 

6. The prices.  The cost of living here is ridiculously low - particularly when you consider that I'm not paying rent because my company is taking care of it.  I pay 50-100 rupees for lunch every day - which is the equivalent of about $1-2.  Movies here cost $7 for the most ridiculous premium seating - leather loungers with blankets and full service food and drinks.  Ridiculously luxurious pedicures cost $25 - and that's considered very expensive. You can buy funky street jewelry for $1 per item, handmade silk scarves for $5, and Diet Coke for 40 cents.   Oh, how I'll miss the 40 cent Diet Cokes...

 

5. My driver.  Narayan Kamat is the name of the man with whom I've entrusted my life on a daily basis.  He opens doors for me, carries my bags, and works overtime to make sure that I get home safely.  He's a total sweetheart, and I'm going to miss having him around.  Plus you all know how much I hate driving, so the idea of getting behind the wheel again back in the states is causing a little stress...

 

4. The dating scene.  Now that I've figured out how to handle the creeps out there, I've had a lot of fun being a white girl in a brown city with more men than women in its population.  I get a lot of attention - admittedly not all of it is welcome - but it's made for some hilarious stories and wonderful memories.  I'll always remember the time that a date took me to Marine Drive for midnight chai and conversation by the sea, or when I rode home on the back of one date's motorcycle (don't worry, Mom - I'm fine).  I have to admit I have developed a preference for Indian men, so even once I'm back in the states, prepare yourselves for more interracial dating happening in my life...

 

3.  The view from my balcony.  I've shared photos with you all of this before, but it's just so peaceful and beautiful.  I like to stand out there and stare at the city below and imagine what all 20 million people in it are up to.  Cheesy, I know.

2. The food.  I've tried so many new and wonderful dishes during my time here - and most of them are things I had never heard of before coming.  And all of them are vegetarian!  Delicious Maggi noodles, crunchy khakhra, spicy soya chakkri, melt-in-your-mouth paneer hot garlic Frankies, manchurian Indo-Chinese dishes, chickpeas in any sauce you can imagine, crispy banana chips, fresh watermelon, silky mango cream, crunchy papadum, buttery pav bhaji, dosas bigger than your head, thick uttapam and parathas, sweet ladoo, sticky jalebi, fried okra, veg cutlets, pani puri, samosas, aloo tikki, onion pakora, idli sambar, spicy chutneys, chaat masala and ketchup on everything - even if ketchup isn't called for (e.g. pizza).  And more.  I seriously love the food here.  For realsies.

1. The people.  This one is obvious, of course.  I've made so many wonderful friends during my time here - from work colleagues to networking functions to Booth classmates to friends of friends.  I also have to mention how lucky I've been to room with Ami and Kevin - who would have thought that we'd end up being so close?  My friends have made my time here memorable in more ways than I can ever hope to write about, so I won't even try.  But to all of you - thank you.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you. 

Now that I've gotten all sappy, I'm going to sit down and write a list of the 10 things I'm not going to miss about Mumbai.  That should provide oodles of opportunities for my trademark sarcasm and should restore balance to the universe...

Somewhere, over the rainbow...

Yesterday I was thrilled to read the news about the US Supreme Court's decisions regarding DOMA and Proposition 8.  At the time I received the alert on my phone, I was sitting chatting with Mr. Bollywood Heartthrob and immediately launched into a diatribe on gay marriage, bigots, ignorance and institutional discrimination.  Thankfully my companion wasn't completely overwhelmed by my outburst of emotion and quasi-legal jargon, and it turned into an interesting conversation on the role of government.  I found the conversation to be interesting, and so will share parts of it with you in the hopes that you do as well.

In the US, homosexuals have been treated as second class citizens, and will most likely continue to be treated as such by at least part of the country, if not the government. In India, there are many groups that have been discriminated against, but for different reasons than in the states.  The caste system here is still alive and well, and I admit that I don't understand how it works exactly.  I'm going to take a brief break in my musings to give you a basic summary of the caste system (at least as I understand it):

In the broadest possible terms, there are four castes/varnas historically: Brahmins (priests), Kshatriyas (warriors/kings), Vaishyas (merchants), and Shudras (laborers).  If you don't belong to any of these castes, then you fall into the untouchables category - or Scheduled castes - which includes anyone who isn't Hindu and other outcasts.  In reality, however, caste is a much more specific and personal identifier, derived from numerous characteristics of your life (or rather your parents' lives, since you really have no choice in the matter).  Religion plays a big factor in it, as do regional affiliation, occupation, and some behavioral habits (e.g. vegetarianism).  This results in there being thousands of different castes in practice.  Thankfully, caste seems to matter less today than it has in the past - like in the days when an untouchable couldn't let his shadow fall on a Brahmin - but the caste traditions haven't disappeared entirely, particularly when it comes to marriage. 

Anyway, back to what I was saying earlier.  India has institutional discrimination based on caste similar to how the US has laws discriminating against African-Americans, homosexuals, and other minorities.  To combat it, they have mandated affirmative action policies in Indian universities and with government jobs.  They have passed laws - even a line in the constitution - prohibiting all discrimination based on caste.  But discrimination doesn't have to be overt to be present - it can be sneaky.  The laws themselves may not be discriminatory, but the enforcement of them is entirely subjective.  After all, enforcement is in the hands of individuals, who may or may not have their own biases and prejudices, and who are held accountable for very little when it comes to the performance of their duties.  A  cop is free to vary the amount of the bribes he requests based on his perceptions of the person bribing him.  The politicians who control the government budgets are lining their pockets with the money that is supposed to be spent on infrastructure and healthcare.  As this money is being funnelled from its legitimate purposes to wherever it ends up, who's to say that the politicians aren't favoring one caste over another in terms of the distribution of the pilfered funds?  It's the Indian form of pork barrel spending - on a larger scale and with even less oversight than what happens in the states. 

One of the most obvious issues with discriminatory policies here is less about the non-preferred castes being intentionally abused, but rather with the higher strata of society being given preferential treatment by corrupt officials.  Want a lucrative government contract?  Better know someone high up in the government and make it worth their while to give you a recommendation.  Need a "get out of jail free" card?  All you have to do is buy it.  How about permits for construction/permits/licenses/whatever? Grease the right palms with the right amount, and you can work miracles.  My apartment building is the perfect example of politicians taking advantage of the system.  In my neighborhood, the floors in any apartment building above X number of floors (I think it's 5 but would have to confirm) are considered illegal.  One of my friend's apartment building in Worli is awaiting its destruction because it is in violation of this rule.  However, my apartment building is largely owned by Members of the Legislative Assembly (similar to congressmen in the US), and so my building is safe at 30 stories.  The apartment I'm living in (on the 22nd floor) has to be illegal - at least technically - but there's no way it will ever be torn down because my building has powerful political allies. 

Of course, the issue I'm describing isn't unique to India.  Corruption like this happens in countries all over the world - my own included.  The main distinction for me is how public the corruption is, and how accepting the public seems to be of it.  It also isn't specific to the caste system, although that plays a role.   After all, it's possible to be in a high caste have no money and no connections, and those two things seem to play a greater role in determining your "luck" with institutional favor.  The whole point of what I'm saying is that the system isn't fair, and that your willingness to work hard means little if you are facing some of the more daunting obstacles posed by the system's biases.  By comparison, if you were born into the right family with the right connections, you can be incredibly successful with comparatively little effort required.  Please don't misinterpret what I'm saying here to be that Indian people don't work hard - in fact many of them work incredibly hard...some of them because they have to, and some because they want to.  My point instead is that someone with fewer connections has to work that much harder to reach an equal level of success as someone who starts out with the right kind of network.

This system has a multitude of repercussions, some of which I have observed first hand during my time here.  One is the entrepreneurial culture in place - have you all noticed that at least 3 of my dates here have been with guys who have started their own companies?  Since connections are the route to success, people here seem to be very good at building their networks and using that to launch a business.  This is the upside of this palm-greasing culture - it provides opportunities to work within the (albeit biased) system to get ahead.  The downside, however, is the apathy that people feel toward corruption, and how those less-than-honest behaviors seep into elements of daily life, completely removed from politics.  Mr. Bollywood Heartthrob told me a story of a guy he knows who has dual citizenship between India and the US, which he received through marriage.  The guy is rich already and doesn't want to work, so he doesn't have a job.  However, he has somehow managed to get unemployment benefits from the US government, which he is then investing by buying land in Pakistan.  My friend challenged him on this behavior - calling him out for his dishonesty - and the guy shrugged it off and said that he doesn't mind cheating the government because the Indian government cheats him so often.  This mindset is more popular than it should be, which I find to be incredibly troubling.

As interesting as it is to discuss the crazy levels of corruption that the Indian government can get away with, I kept coming back to the same point: what can be done to fix it?  If lack of accountability is allowing these behaviors to persist, then how do you institute accountability?  My PoliSci 101 answer was the media - they need to be the watchdogs.  Unfortunately, media licenses here are difficult to get, and most of the telecom companies are owned (at least partially) by the same rich people who are bribing the politicians to line their pockets.  Ok so if the media is corrupt as well - or at least similarly apathetic - then who next?  The people, of course.  They can vote out corrupt politicians.  But how do you get them to want to change the system rather than their current path of accepting it and working within its limits?  My answer is education.  If all children here are given access to a base level of education, then they can develop the critical reasoning skills to make the decisions for themselves that the system should be changed.  Maybe my opinion is driven by the fact that I have about a billion teachers in my family (numbers may be slightly exaggerated) - but I believe education is the key to fixing most of the issues with India.  Right now, many people consider it more worthwhile to be street smart than to be book smart.  I'm not one to knock street smarts - of course they serve their purpose - but in no way should it be more profitable for the average person to cheat the system than to help build it up.  Perhaps if more people were book smart, then the need for street smarts would be diminished.  I don't know.  I think I'm rambling at this point...

It's time for the bottom line:  no government is perfect, but as long as the citizens of a country hold their representatives up to aspirational standards, then that country should progress upward toward meeting those standards.  India faces a multitude of problems related to discrimination and equality, and I don't have the answers to how these problems will be fixed.  At the same time, the US struck a major blow for equality with the rulings handed down yesterday, but we still have a long way to go before all citizens are truly treated equally in the eyes of the law.   With that in mind, maybe our two countries aren't that different after all...

 

Never waste a good hair day...

...even if it's on a Monday.  I've found this to be a sound philosophy for years now, and so yesterday I took my own advice.

The reason I was having a good hair day is that I got a haircut.  The heat and humidity has been doing a number on my mane, so it was in need of some serious TLC.  I had solicited recommendations for salons from friends, since I was a little concerned that the average hairstylist here in India wouldn't be familiar with my type of hair, since it's much finer than the average Indian woman's hair.  Anyway, I end up calling a nice salon and booking a haircut and pedicure - at the same time.  That's right, I had two men working on me at once - one on my head and one on my feet.  It was heavenly. 

I was kind of hoping that the hairstyling experience would be really different here (providing me with blog material), but there weren't any striking differences.  The guy who cut my hair was an edgy guy with bleach blonde hair (yes, he was Indian) and several piercings who called me "darling" and kept insisting I drink green tea.  My pedicurist was muscular and tattooed and was trying hard to pretend not to be grossed out by how dry my feet were (or maybe I'm projecting here - not sure).  Really the only difference between a haircut in the states and a haircut here was the number of people staring at me at I was in the chair.  Sigh - yes - they still stare.  Ami was very disappointed in me for not getting my hair cut on the street like she and I had discussed earlier.  Did I mention that?  Every morning we pass by a row of barbers who have set up shop on the sidewalk.  When I mentioned that I needed a haircut, Ami dared me to get it done at one of those places and I accepted.  After all - my hair is long, and it grows back, right?  I didn't end up doing it there because I really wanted a pedicure as well, and street pedicures seem like a guaranteed path to hepatitis.

So how did I manage to not waste my good hair day?  Originally my friends and I had planned to go to karaoke at Irish House.  The plans changed last minute to be redirected to Bandra and our favorite bench-dancing venue - The Big Nasty.  The night turned out to be a fun one - particularly for a Monday.  We went to dinner at a pan-Asian restaurant called Nom Nom first.  Funny story: Ami texted me to tell me about the change in plans, and she ended the series of messages with "nom nom bandra."  Being a nerd, I assumed that that was her cutesy way of saying "I'm excited to be eating dinner in Bandra."  So as I'm leaving the salon to meet up with them, I keep sending messages asking "so what's the name of the restaurant?" Kevin didn't respond, since Ami had told him she had already let me know.  I resend the message "what's the name of the restaurant?" "Nom nom" "I know we're eating there, but what's the name?"  "Nom nom."  Ooooooooh I get it now.  Anyway, it was a bit of a "who's on first" moment but I eventually found the right place :)

The rest of the night was typical Bandra fun - different friends came and met up with us at The Big Nasty, mostly at my urging since I've become an expert at exerting peer pressure on people.  One noteworthy conversation I had was with my friend Joanne's date, who is in the Indian navy.  I knew absolutely nothing about the Indian navy prior to meeting this guy, so I took the opportunity to ask him questions and learn a thing or two.  He's been with the navy for 9 years total - 4 were in training and then 5 as a sailor.  The first 3 years of all Indian military training take place at the same training institute, with Army, Navy and Air Force all being trained together on the same campus.  Similar to West Point and its equivalents in the states, this training provides an undergraduate university experience.  Then for the last 18 months each branch of the armed forces will separate for more specialized training.  This particular guy is a submariner - he said he chose this specialization because it seemed more interesting than some of the others.  There are no women sailors in the Indian navy - any females will be in the logistics and support services areas of the military rather than combat operations.  So this guy spends his time locked in a pressurized tin can with several hundred other dudes for weeks on end.  Sign me up for that! (kidding)... The longest he's ever been out to sea is 35 days, but some people will stay out for as long as 60 days.  He said that it's really nice to see the sun after that long of a time period.  Can you even imagine not seeing the sun for that long? (shudder)  Speaking of the sun, night and day don't really matter in the submarine.  He said that you kind of lose track of what is day and what is night, and just sleep whenever you are off duty, regardless of what time it is.  Yikes.  Ami and I also asked the most pressing question of all - does he get seasick?  The answer is a resounding yes based on the expression on his face when he answered.  He said that the first couple days out to sea are always the worst, and then you get used to it.  But since the submarine is submerged and the jets aren't on all the time, it's a lot more unstable than the larger navy ships and so can be verrrrrrrry wobbly.  On second thought, I won't be volunteering to spend time on a submarine.  What's the point in being locked in with hundreds of guys if you're so nauseous you can't even get out of bed?

The conversation ended with me asking him which submarine movies out there are the most realistic.  He starts of strong with U-571 and The Hunt For Red October, but then ends up recommending "Down Periscope" to me. So....either he was messing with me throughout the movie-focused part of the conversation, or he's a big Kelsey Grammer fan.  Take your pick.
 

Results from the social experiment

It was about a month ago that I decided to venture into the dating world here in Mumbai, and I think I'm ready to call it quits with this social experiment.  Have I met some fun people, generated some interesting stories and seen the city through different perspectives?  Absolutely.  All the same, it's been a time-consuming endeavor, and I only have two weeks left here, and I'd prefer to spend that time with my existing friends and romantic entanglements, rather than going on more bad first dates. 

I think it's safe to say that I have collected enough data points to come to some preliminary conclusions as to the differences between dating here in Mumbai and dating in the US.  My experiment had its limitations, so I feel the responsibility to caveat this entire post with the following: my experiences here were not necessarily indicative of the local dating scene in Mumbai.  I am a foreigner, and every date I went on was colored by that fact.  Now, it's time to present my findings.  I've divided them up between things that are the same between the US and Mumbai and things that are different...

Things that are the same:

• The standard, go-to option for first dates is weekday drinks.  People don't want to commit to a full meal with a person or give away one of their precious weekend nights with a stranger, so this seems to be the safest option to test the waters and see if there's chemistry.  If the chemistry is present, then drinks almost always turn into dinner and drinks.
• Some guys are gentlemen; others are not.  Some men will open doors for you, wait for your food to arrive before they start eating, insist that you take the comfortable chair if the seating options are not optimal, make sure you get home safe, call you the day after a date, etc.  Others will walk through the door first, forget to hold it open for you, and then when the wind blows it shut and you're standing there struggling to keep a grip on the handle, only then do they turn around and say "whoops."
• Dudes will be dudes.  Even if they don't like you very much, they're going to try to get into your pants.  It's the ones that show you that they actually like you and care for you as a person that are worth going on a second date with.  Personally, I appreciate someone who takes his time in getting to know me first before he tries anything, which is why so many of my dates here have struck out when they made a move on the first date (and let's not even mention Mr. Possibly Wears Eyeliner On The Weekends - yikes)...
• Some men are intimidated by confident, successful women.  I've now been told by people on multiple continents that I am intimidating.  Seriously?  Me?  The girl who forgot to brush her hair this morning?  (don't worry - I made it look presentable with a braid)  Anyway, apparently the fact that I exude some sort of confidence and level of intellect is scary for men, since they're not used to interacting with a date who challenges them.  Of course, I've been able to find men that can handle these traits in me on both continents (plus Australia), but there are plenty of others who won't even consider approaching me.  Oh well - it's their loss...
• People are terrified of long distance relationships.  Even though the guys I've been meeting on InterNations and Couchsurfing are perfectly aware of the fact that I am only seeing them casually, several have felt the need to make reference to the fact that they would never enter into a long distance relationship.  Don't worry, fellas, as charming as you are, I have no intention of tying you down from afar. 

Things that are different:

• Two words: arranged marriages.  This is one of the most striking differences between the two countries.  Not only are arranged marriages still a popular option here, but people in my generation are in favor of them and would even consider entering into one!  I'm not one to call myself a romantic, but I'd prefer to, you know, love my husband before I marry him (I know, crazy, right?).  Many of the guys that I've gone out with here are in the "sowing their oats" phase of their lives before settling down.  For these men, it's easy to infer why they are asking me - a white foreigner - out.  There are definitely some strong stereotypes around white American women here that I've had to deal with, and for these men, they're just looking to have fun with as many women as possible before their parents find them a suitable match. 
• Indian women tend to be clingy and demanding while in relationships.  While I'm hesitant to make such a generalization, the fact is that this theme has arisen in numerous situations and iterations throughout my time here.  This is the most commonly cited reason that men give for seeking out western women to date - they're sick of dealing with Indian women.  Some guys have told me stories of women that will call them 17 times in a row, or will demand to know where they are every minute of the day, or who hand out ultimatums like the city of Chicago hands out parking tickets.  It sounds exhausting to date such a person, so I don't blame these guys for looking elsewhere for company.  That being said, however, I don't see any of my female Indian friends behaving in this way with their boyfriends, so I'm wondering how much of what I'm hearing from the guys is exaggeration.
• Divorce is not an option.  Yes, divorces do take place here, but the reason behind the divorce better be a damn good one if it's going to be accepted by the courts.  Your husband is having an affair?  Deal with it.  Your wife nags you all the time?  That's what you signed up for.  You fell out of love with your spouse?  So what - you don't have to love someone to be married to them.  There is no such thing as "irreconcilable differences" in India - you made a lifelong commitment, and you're sticking with it no matter what.
• There is no such thing as a "girlfriend" or a "boyfriend" - only "friends."  If I had actually gotten to the point with a guy where I was his "girlfriend" and he were to introduce me to his parents, they would not refer to me as anything other than his "friend."  Parents don't really recognize romantic relationships here until someone's put a ring on it.  Once you're engaged, then you're welcomed into your bethrothed's family as a full member of it.  So on your engagement day, you go from being "my son's friend" to "beloved daughter."  It's quite the leap...
• PDA is not practiced.  People don't kiss in public - period.  I don't see couples holding hands, hugging, or really even touching each other either.  Some couples are stricter about it than others, but in general you don't see any physical affection in public.  It's considered improper and vulgar here, so people just don't do it.
• Homosexuality is not culturally accepted here.  No one in India is "out and proud."  Very few people are out at all, actually.  The culture hasn't accepted homosexuality, so these people keep their love lives private.  It's really sad, but I guess the states isn't all that much better...
• The expectation for women is for them to be "good girls" - no drinking, smoking, cavorting with men they're not related to, etc.  Parents don't want their daughters out there dating - they want them to be finding a husband (which is a separate activity, yes).  Some women here feel the need to portray themselves publicly as these innocent, naive angels, when behind closed doors they live in the 21st century and act like it.  The worst part of all of it is that many guys enjoy the company of the girl who likes to go out and have fun, but then go off to an arranged marriage with their "ideal" woman who hasn't been out of the house since she hit puberty.  As long as there is demand for this fictional idealized female persona, women will continue to impersonate it to attract a suitable husband. 
• Indian men are spoiled by their parents.  I gave the joking nickname of "Mr. Pampered Man-Child" to one of my dates, but in actuality all of them could have fit that description, at least to some extent.  I can't even tell you how many of the men I've dated (and even a couple of my friends) have asked me to cook them dinner.  Why aren't any of them offering to cook me dinner?  Oh right, because they can't cook.  Men here tend to live with their parents until they get married - and even beyond that in some cases.  That means that their mothers have been there to cook for them, clean up after them, and cater to their every need well into their 20s.  This makes it slightly more difficult for me to take a guy seriously here.  After all, one of the most attractive qualities in a man for me is his ability (and willingness) to do the dishes.  Yes, that's entirely because I hate doing dishes, but hopefully you still get my point...

Well, I hope you've enjoyed reading about my dating adventures here as much as I've enjoyed writing about them.  It's not the same as my "Drama Down Under" stories (credit goes to Kim Young for the title), but hopefully equally entertaining.  I'm going to continue seeing the guys that I've already gotten to know but won't be responding to any new requests for dates.  It's time to retire the spreadsheet and enjoy my last couple weeks here with the people I've come to know and care about most.

For the record, if you are on the spreadsheet, there's no way in hell you're ever getting a copy of it.  For all others, let me know if you want to see it and I'll email you...

Cooking lesson

One of my goals - as I've mentioned - has been to learn to cook proper Indian food.  One of my friends, Apurva, had graciously offered to bring me over to his house, where his mom would teach me how to cook a meal.  Yesterday, I took him up on the offer and had so much fun doing so! 

Apurva ended up having to work on Saturday, but he had assured me that his mom was happy to teach me.  I arrived at 1 pm - with a thank you gift of flowers in hand (since my parents raised me right) - and was greeted at the door by Apurva's sister.  Well, technically their cook answered the door,  but Aanchal was right behind him. 

I'm realizing quickly that I'm about to spend several paragraphs gushing about how wonderful Apurva's family is - and that doesn't exactly make interesting reading - so I will instead summarize.  They are quite possibly the sweetest family I've ever met (sorry, Samets).  They are kind, generous, and family-oriented people, and I am so glad that I've met them. They welcomed me into their home without any hesitation and made me feel entirely at ease.   Heads up, family - I've invited them to come to the US, where I expect you all will return the favor. 

After sitting and chatting for a few minutes with Apurva's mom and sister, the cooking lesson began.  We ended up making a few different dishes, and I'm going to write (my closest approximation to) the recipes below.  She seemed to do most of the cooking based on memory rather than a recipe, so I did my best to write it down accurately.

I've already mentioned that they have a cook.  This is a guy who has been with their family for over 20 years, and Mrs. Sacheti was explaining to me that he knows exactly how she likes things to be made, so she doesn't actually have to cook every day.  She seems to enjoy doing it, though, and so she will cook with him assisting her.  I actually didn't have to do anything during the lesson - I had been expecting to chop onions or something as my contribution, but the cook did all of the prep work, and she just did the actual cooking, stirring, timing, etc.  He also does all of the dishes - which is basically my dream come true.  I'm considering poaching him off their family and bringing him to the states...who wants to go in on the plane ticket with me?

One of the dishes that we (she) made was dal makhani - which is essentially a black lentil dish - and the interesting thing about the preparation was that she cooked it in a pressure cooker pot.  I don't think I'd ever seen one of these before, but it looks the same as your average saucepan on the bottom, but the top of it has a lever that you push down to create a full seal between the lid and the pan.  There's some kind of mechanism similar to a tea kettle that will release steam from inside as it's cooking.  Anyway, the point of this pan is to cook things quickly, since lentils would usually take a lot longer to cook.  Mrs. Sacheti explained to me that it's possible to use a microwave to soften the lentils, but it doesn't taste as good, so she'll never do that. 

Most of the rest of the cooking was not very complicated - the difference between the meal she cooked there and the ones that my mom makes at home has more to do with the ingredients than the process.  Rather than cooking a bolognese sauce to go on top of pasta (as my mom does), Mrs. Sacheti will make a sauce that she will put paneer into and then serve with rice and naan.  Same general concept, just different spices. 

Speaking of the spices, there is a group of standard spices used in Indian cooking.  These spices are typically kept in a small metal dish, each in their own separate metal container.  There is a small spoon included with the set, which I would think is about the same size as a teaspoon.  When someone is cooking, they will pull the entire group of spices onto the counter and pull from the various spices as needed.  Mrs. Sacheti at times would just pick up the entire metal container of a spice and start pouring it into a dish - skipping the use of the spoon entirely.  She told me that she doesn't typically cook with a lot of spice (at least by Indian standards), so I'm curious to see how much goes into a dish that would be considered spicy!

An Indian spice rack.  Clockwise from left: salt, coriander, chili powder, cumin, garam masala, mustard seeds, and tumeric in the middle.  I might be wrong about some of these, but I think I'm close enough.  Mrs. Sacheti made things easy by saying "ok now I'm adding two spoons of the red powder" so that I didn't have to keep track of all the spice names...

 

 

One of the great things about Indian cooking is the level of creative license you're given to make up your own stuff.  Since there aren't set recipes, you can feel free to add more of one spice or the other or change up the ingredients entirely.  Mrs. Sacheti explained to me that the gravy that we made for the butter paneer can be used in any number of other dishes.  You can add boiled potatoes and peas to it, or cauliflower, or all of those vegetables together for a mixed veggie dish.  Of course, if you're not veg, you have even more options as well.  The sky is the limit, really.  She told me that as long as you know how to make a good gravy base, you are able to make lots of different Indian dishes. 

 



One part of the cooking that I didn't actually learn much about was the making of bread.  Mrs. Sacheti told me that it is a very tedious task, so it seems like she lets the cook handle that whole process.  She said that I can come stay with her for a week sometime and during that time, she can get up the motivation to teach me how to cook chapati (Indian bread), but it would take a couple days :)  The cook also whipped up some papadum (yum yum papadum), and some raita (yoghurt and cucumber sauce) as well as rice.  In addition, Mrs. Sacheti had made chana masala earlier that morning to send with Apurva for his lunch, and since I had told her that chana masala is one of my favorite dishes, we ended up eating that for lunch too.  Aside from all that (which is admittedly an impressive list of food), I did observe her making the other dishes that we ate, and here are the recipes:

 

Butter Paneer:

• Saute 1 teaspoon of cumin seeds in 2 tablespoons of oil for 10-15 seconds
• Add 2 small diced onions, 2 tomatoes, 1 green chili (cut in half), 1 chunk of fresh ginger (about the size of the tip of your thumb), 1 full clove of garlic, and two tablespoons of cashews. 
• Next add spices (all of the tsp here are heaping tsp): 2 tsp chili powder, 1/2 tsp tumeric, 1 tsp coriander, 1/2 tsp garum masala, 1 clove, 1 small piece of cinnamon bark
• Saute until cooked
• Remove from heat, add 1/4 cup (approx) of full fat yogurt
• Set aside to cool for 15 minutes or so
• Once cooled, put into food processor and grind to desired consistency (goal is smooth, gravy-like consistency)
• Wipe out pan and then put in 2-3 tablespoons butter (unsalted - or if you have ghee then use that)
• Add one tsp chili powder for coloring
• Then add the contents of the food processor
• Add water to thin the gravy - maybe 1/3 cup
• Simmer on low heat until ready to serve
• Cut up chunks of paneer into bite-sized pieces
• Add the paneer into the gravy at the last minute before serving.  Handle the paneer gently or else it will break (e.g. don't stir once it's in the gravy)

Dal Makhani:

• Place 1 - 1.5 cups of black lentils (dry) and 1 - 1.5 cups kidney beans (soaked for at least 5 hours) in a saucepan in water. 
• Remove 1/2 cup of the water in the pan and replace with milk
• Add 1 bay leaf
• Pressure boil for 15-20 minutes until legumes are soft
• Separately, saute cumin seeds in 2 tablespoons of oil for 10-20 seconds
• Add into the oil the following ingredients (all finely chopped): 1 small onion, 1 green chili pepper, 1 clove garlic, some ginger, some salt
• Add in clarified butter (ghee) or unsalted butter
• Add in 1 finely chopped tomato once the other ingredients have softened
• Add in 1 bay leaf, a few small pieces of cinnamon bark, 1 heaping teaspoon of chili powder, 1 heaping tsp of coriander
• Saute and stir regularly until consistency is almost paste-like
• Add the dal/kidney beans into the saute pan and simmer on low heat until ready to serve

Bhendi Fry:

• Chop up ~300 grams of okra (she cut it into long strips, but you can cut however you want, I expect)
• Similarly chop up 1 small onion
• Heat up oil in saute pan - about 2 tablespoons
• Add 1 tsp chili powder, 1/2 tsp tumeric, 2 tsp coriander and the okra and onion
• Saute until softened

All of this stuff is relatively easy to cook.  I think I'll have to play around with the spices to get it to where I like it (especially since my measurements here are probably off).  When in doubt, add MORE spice rather than less, though, since bland Indian food is boring Indian food.

Mrs. Sacheti also made me a mango crumble dessert - wowzers was it delicious.  It's similar to a peach crumble back home, but using these gingery Indian cookies as a base and fresh mangoes.  I'm pretty sure if I were to make it back home it wouldn't be nearly as good, since the mangoes at home aren't as flavorful as they are here. 

We sat down and ate this wonderful meal together, and then I went home.  Before I left, though, Mrs. Sacheti disappeared into one of the back bedrooms and came out with a present for me - a necklace and a purse!  Seriously, how sweet are these people?  I wore the necklace last night when I met up with Apurva later...I hope he remembered to tell his mom that I liked it...

Anyway, now I am a master of Indian cuisine.  My services will be available starting July 22nd in Chicago. Mrs. Sacheti promised me that she's only a phone call away if I run into issues, and that she'd be more than happy to fly out to Chicago to give me more lessons :)



 



 

 

The good, the bad and the ugly

Lacking any interesting personal anecdotes to write about, I'm wondering what you'd like to read about today.  My date had to cancel last minute last night because of a family emergency, so I went to bed early to recover from my late night on Thursday.  I doubt that you all want to read about the work-related stuff I'm dealing with, so what does that leave us with?  Seemingly random observations!.    As the post title indicates, some of them are good, some are bad, and some are just plain ugly...

The Good:

• Wedding jewelry - there are advertisements all around Mumbai for various wedding jewellers.  Wedding jewelry in the Indian sense of the term was a foreign concept to me before coming here, with parents saving up for years to buy enough bling for their daughters to wear on their wedding day.  Wedding jewelry will be passed down from mother to daughter, or melted down and refashioned according to the daughter's taste.  The jewelry all seems to be very gold-heavy.  In fact, Ami's cousin's baby daughter already has 20something grams of gold accumulated from various gifts, which will be eventually used for her wedding jewelry.  Lesson learned: in case of any doubt on what the right gift may be for an Indian woman, gold coins will always go over well.
• Precious and semi-precious stones - I've noticed that men here wear more jewelry on average than what I'm used to seeing in the states.  Some of it is decorative, of course.  But it turns out that some is also tied in with the Indian astrology I mentioned in an earlier post.  If you are worried about some part of your life, then an astrologer can recommend a type of stone that you can wear that will cause things to improve.  Apparently which type of stone is dependent on your particular problems and your kundli (birth chart).  One guy asked me recently why I wear a blue topaz ring on my right hand.  I'm pretty sure he was expecting an answer along the lines of "so that I can get married in the next year" but my response instead was a sheepish "because it's pretty?"
• Weddings here are huge affairs.  One of my goals actually is to go to an Indian wedding (although I suspect I would be the most conspicuous wedding crasher ever here).  It's not uncommon for there to be 500 people at a wedding here.  I was asking Ami how people possibly handle the logistics of such a large event, and she responded with an interesting factoid: Indian weddings aren't sit down, plated dinners.  Instead they're almost always buffet-style affairs, with no assigned seating.  The venue/caterers will charge by the number of dirty plates, which must take a lot of the stress of collecting RSVP's out of the process. 
• There is a subset of food delivery services here in India where the delivery person will pick up home-cooked food from your house (or your mother's house, aunt's house, whatever) and deliver it to anywhere in the city for mere pennies.  This allows people to have freshly made, hot and ready to go food from home at the office.  A lot of people use it to get food from their mothers delivered. They may be married and living separately from their mom, but their mom will still cook them lunch every day and send it out for delivery to their office.  How sweet is that?

The Bad:

• I find it weird that all of the deodorant options available here are aerosol.  Karen tells me it's the same in the UK.  Let's be honest - I guess it's good that people here are buying deodorant in any form (yes, I'm saying that some people smell bad here).
• A common phrase that I encounter - particularly via emails - here is the use of the term "the same."  People will say something to the effect of "I have couriered over hard copies of this document for your review and signature.  Please review and remit the same."  In this case, "the same" refers to the documents.  They seem to use this phrase quite a bit - is it British in origins?  I suppose it makes sense, but it seems like an awkward way to phrase things.
• Bribery is one of the costs of doing business here.  Most people seem to accept it as a fact of life, which confuses me.  Plus my presence as a white person seems to invite bribery even in cases where it doesn't warrant it.  As an example, last week I was going out to dinner with Mr. Bollywood Heartthrob.  We pull into a parking spot on the street outside the restaurant, and he's not sure if it's actually legal to park there.  He spots a policeman walking by and asks if it's ok to park here.  The policeman starts to respond to his question, then spots me in the passenger seat.  I didn't get the details of the conversation, since it happened in Hindi, but I definitely caught the words "American" and "Worli."  Why on earth is this policeman asking questions about me?  Anyway, Mr. Bollywood Heartthrob ends up giving the guy about 50 rupees, and says "ok, parking's all taken care of."  Huh? 

The Ugly:

• I've seen more rat tails here than I'd ever hoped to see in my life.  No, I'm not talking about our fourth flatmate but about men's hairstyles.  I'm pretty sure the rat tail hasn't ever been in style, and it never should be.
• One charming component of taking taxis here in Mumbai is the interior decor of each vehicle.  The cabs here are black and yellow on the outside - black on the bottom with yellow roofs (for the most part - unless it's an air conditioned cab, in which case the coloring might be different).  On the inside, however, it seems that every driver is allowed to take creative license in decorating his cab.  Most will have some kind of religious icon on the dashboard - most frequently Ganesh, I've noticed.  Some people will string fluorescent party lights on the inside of the cab, which they will turn on at night (woop woop).  The most common form of personalization is the upholstery, however.  Each cab has its own patterned fabric - sometimes plastic, sometimes a heavy textile - that upholsters the entire interior of the car.  I'm not just talking about the seats here - the ceilings, the doors, and even the dashboard are upholstered.  I'm not sure exactly how to describe it - shabby chic?  Kitschy? You really have to ride in one of these to appreciate the ambiance.

Round 2 of some well deserved shout outs...

As I mentioned yesterday, last night we had our second house party here in Worli.  I'm not one to rely on hyperbole, but I'm pretty sure that it was the most amazingest party in the history of that apartment.  Yes, I know that amazingest isn't a word, and no - I don't care.

As with the last party, I feel that it's an appropriate time to give some shout outs to some of my favorites and call out some people who are in the doghouse.  So, without further ado:

To my flatmate Klam - I forgive you for falling asleep 3 hours before the party ended.  Hopefully you can forgive me for waking you up at 3 am to retrieve the bags of departing guests who had left their belongings in your room...

To whomever got chocolate frosting from a cupcake all over my laptop, thank you.  I really appreciated that dose of chocolate in my morning as I was cleaning it off....with my tongue. (not really - just my fingers...which I then licked.  Is that gross?)

To the owners of Cafe Zoe  - you made our night!  The cups that you provided were perfect for beer pong, which was a big hit with the crowd last night.  My friends and I promise to show our gratitude for your generosity by continuing to patronize your establishment, even after Ami and Kevin got food poisoning.

To the manager of the Starbucks in my office building - thank you for entertaining our crazy request for 40 of your grande iced tea cups, and for actually allocating your employees' time to using a magic marker to cover up the Starbucks logo before handing them over.  I understand that you were facing marketing and branding issues by risking having your cups be associated with (slightly juvenile) American drinking games, and we appreciate you taking the risk.  We actually didn't end up using those cups last night, since we had more of the Zoe cups, but I'm sure we'll put them to good use soon.

To my friend Sunandan - I think we can all agree that the singalong you led on the balcony was one of the highlights of the night.  Next time, bring your guitar.  Seriously.

To Joanne - I'm sorry for telling you to shut your mouth when Sunandan was singing.  Let's be honest, though - he's a lot better than you are.  (Just realized that this is possibly one of the worst apologies I've ever given - sorry about that...)

To Mr. Harmless Sociopath - we're done. For realsies. While I understand that our dating was casual and non-exclusive, you crossed the line when you hit on one of my friends and asked to take her out to a play. Clearly one of your "moves" is offering to take (admittedly awesome) women to plays to impress them with your level of culture and sophistication, which now has been revealed to be mere fraudulent pretence. Did you really expect her not to tell me about this? Moron. Also, your stupid line that "every face has a story and yours tells me that you're a lover of the arts" is so cheesy that I threw up in my mouth a little bit when she repeated it to me. Don't ever say that again, to anyone, ever. 

To the townspeople of Worli (or St. Petersburg???) who achieved an unheard of 100% success rate in killing mafiosos, tell me again - how exactly did that happen?

To the mafiosos who killed me last night - didn't your mothers ever tell you it's rude to murder your hostess?

To Praveer - you're no longer on my shit list...mostly because I can't remember what it was you said last night that made me put you on it.  Plus you give me enough free publicity for my blog that I really can't stay mad at you for long...even though I'm pretty sure I was only jokingly mad at you last night.

To Yummy - we will have a beer pong rematch.  And this time, I will win.

To the cleaning crew in our apartment - I'm truly sorry for the mess we left you today.  I promise to give you a big tip for scrubbing congealed beer off our floors.  At least we didn't ruin any towels this time, though!

To all of the party attendees - thank you for finishing up the wine!  This was the ostensible reason behind the party, and we succeeded! Hooray!  Unfortunately, you didn't do as good of a job of finishing up the beer that we over-ordered, so now we're going to have to have another Leftover Booze Party to finish up the stuff we have left over from last night.  Is anyone else loving the pattern that's emerging here?

UPDATE: To the person who turned my air conditioning off - again - at last night's party - you're getting sneakier.  This time you actually turned the knob on the unit off rather than the power switch like last time.  What exactly do you have against me sleeping in an air conditioned room?  Or is this your version of being a prankster?  Actually, now that I think about it, this sounds like one of Joanne's pranks.  I'm totally going to ask her about it tomorrow...









 

One month to go

I'm becoming increasingly aware of the fact that my time here is quickly coming to an end.  After this week, I only have two more weeks of work left before I leave the firm and take a little time off before matriculating at Booth.  After I finish work, I have two weeks of travel (yet to be planned - yikes) and then I leave India.  How sad is that?  Today marks 30 days before I leave the country, and I hereby resolve to make the absolute most of my remaining time here.

I think it's safe to say that I have already been making the most of my time here, so it's not going to require a very different attitude or approach during my last month.  Have I danced the macarena at a fancy restaurant in honor of my friend Praneetha's birthday?  Have I learned a few words of Hindi?  Have I honed my Bollywood dancing skills to the point where my friends no longer laugh at me when I make an attempt?  Have I met dozens of new people, explored the different neighborhoods of the city, and woken up every day here with a "yes" oriented attitude?  Why yes, I have. 

I was reading old blog entries last night for fun, and came across one where I mentioned that I was going to be travelling every weekend going forward. As you all have probably realized, I didn't end up travelling as much on weekends here as I had originally planned. It's turned out to be more like every other weekend rather than every weekend. On the one hand, yes - I've missed out on seeing a few more cities in India. On the other hand, though, I have made such wonderful friendships here, and to do so required time spent on the ground, seeing these people on a regular basis. I'm glad that I ended up spending my time here this way - I feel like I've ended up more of a "local" than I could have imagined. Of course, that doesn't mean that I've done everything in Mumbai that I want to - not even close!

There are a few key items remaining on my to-do list here, and I'm asking all of you to keep me honest and make sure I do them!  First I'd like to spend more time in South Bombay and preferably do a photo walk of the buildings down there.  The architecture is really beautiful.  I'd also like to go to the Taj hotel, just to see it - Kevin keeps talking about a restaurant in the hotel that he wants to visit, so maybe we can kill two birds with one stone.  Also I'd like to visit the Hanging Gardens - they're supposed to be beautiful (any of my Indian friends want to go with me?).  Finally I want to visit one of the hill stations that are a couple hours away from Mumbai.  There are supposed to be waterfalls and beautiful scenery where you can take hikes.  Mr. Bollywood Heartthrob and I are talking about going to one of those for a day trip on Sunday - fingers crossed the weather cooperates.  I also want to learn how to cook proper Indian food so that I can impress all of my American friends and family with my multicultural culinary skills.  After all, how many people do you know that can make gnocchi from scratch and naan from scratch?  I'd wager not very many.  The guy I went out with last night - let's call him Mr. Prospective Booth Student - offered to have me come over to his parents' house and learn cooking from his mom.  Score!  I'm so excited!  I'm slightly concerned that his mom is going to question who the hell this random white girl in her kitchen is, but I expect he wouldn't have invited me if his mom wouldn't be cool with it :) On a similar note, I want to eat really authentic spicy Indian food while I'm here.  I've found that most of my friends tell me that I wouldn't like really spicy food here, but I want to find out for myself!  One of my friends joked that they could just take my dinner and pour a bunch of chili powder on it to make it spicy.  I rolled my eyes and said that's not exactly the point of my request - I want to see how Indian people really eat, not just measure how much chili powder I can consume before bursting into flames.

As I mentioned, I have two weeks planned at the end of my time here to travel around India. I've been soliciting recommendations from everyone I know about where I should travel. The issue is that many of the places I'd like to visit are inaccessible or at least unattractive during the monsoons. My idea of going on a tiger safari has been nixed for that reason. Pondicherry seems to be a good destination - I've been told by a friend who used to live there that the monsoons don't start there until later in the summer, so the weather should still be nice. I also really want to see the Himalayas and plan on going to Nepal for at least a few days. As for the rest of my time, I'm not sure! Mr. Wannabe Cowboy has invited me to come visit his family in Raipur and act as my tour guide. Ami and some of her friends are going hiking in the mountains in northern India. Part of me wants to go see the Ganges. So many options, so little time. There is only one thing I can confirm at this point - it's going to be epic.

Finally, I want to continue to spend as much time as possible with the friends that I've made here.  Tonight Ami, Kevin and I are hosting our second house party, which promises to be even better than the first.  I may have made the mistake of inviting several different guys that I've been on dates with to the same party - after all, they're all cool guys who I think would get along well with my friends - though I'm wondering now if I'm setting myself up for unwanted drama.  Fingers crossed nothing goes awry. 

Speaking of the men I'm dating, I learned a lesson this week about telling them about my blog.  On the one hand, I haven't felt the need to censor anything I write here about my dating life because I'm telling the truth.  If I really like a guy and have a nice time with him, I don't sit down and give a recap of the date here on the blog.  I might mention him in passing when discussing other topics, but there's no blow-by-blow of the good dates here.  After all, good dates don't make very interesting reading.  You guys don't want to read here about me saying "oooh he's such a gentleman, so sweet, made me laugh, etc."  Booooooooooring.  Instead I've been spending more time giving the details of the bad dates - and I think we can all agree there have been some spectacularly bad ones - because those are entertaining (at least for me they are - hopefully you concur).  Therefore, I haven't worried too much about being friends on Facebook with some of the guys that I'm dating or with any of them having the link separately.  After all, if I like them and actually care what they think, then I haven't said anything here that wouldn't be appropriate for them to read.  I'm not using people's real names, and the guys who have read the blog think that the nicknames I'm using are hilarious. 

The issue arose with a guy that I was friends with on Facebook but hadn't met yet.  I mentioned in my last post about how I am screening guys before I meet them, sometimes using Facebook to do so.  The one in particular that I mentioned yesterday - the guy who didn't pass the "sniff" test - is my Facebook friend.  After all, if I wasn't friends with him on Facebook, then I wouldn't have been able to gather enough data to make a decision about whether to meet up with him!  After I decided that I wasn't going to accept his invitation, I forgot to de-friend him...and I'm pretty sure he read my blog.  Awkward.  He texted me an out-of-the-blue "Thanks" today, which I have to assume is for writing about him and/or not responding to his last 10 text messages.  Like I said, awkward.  From now on, I'm going to make sure that I de-friend people on Facebook once I've decided not to meet them. 

One final note: family and friends in the US - please keep sending me emails!  I miss you all (even though I may never come back - after all, Booth will let me defer for a year, right?)
 

Overwhelmed

This is the busiest my dating life has been since...well, ever.  Even back in my college days when I was frat party hopping every weekend, I'm pretty sure I was never dating 6 guys at once.  Yes, you read that right - 6 guys.  There are #'s 7 and 8 trying hard to get onto my schedule, too, but I don't have a free day or night until next week.  Plus about a billion others contacting me trying to get into the rotation of texting, chatting on the phone, emailing, etc.  With all this going on, I have to be honest - it's getting to be a bit overwhelming.

Admittedly, there is a lot of room for error in the way I'm approaching dating here.  I'm starting to forget the various stories that I've told to each guy, and so worry about repeating myself.  I'm losing track of who I've met on which site (Couch surfing or InterNations), and so yesterday Mr. Bollywood Heartthrob was asking me where I met the guy I went out with last night, and I said "Couch surfing...the same place I met you."  He replies with "Actually you met me on InterNations."  Whoops.  Awkward.  At least I didn't forget his name or something actually important, but it's still a bit embarrassing.

To keep track of all the information flying at me, I've created an Excel sheet for my dating life.  Those of you who know my love for Excel will not be at all surprised by this.  The sheet keeps track of key things like names, ages, places they live, their jobs, and various topics we've discussed.  There's also a "verdict" column where I indicate whether I would agree to go out with the guy or not.  The number of guys I've been conversing with is up to somewhere around 30 now, so I think you can all agree that my tracking sheet is necessary.

I'm being very straightforward in the way that I handle this "poly-amorous" (as one of my dates phrased it - hilarious) approach to dating.  I make sure that each guy knows that I'm seeing other people, and surprisingly they all seem to be ok with it.  Granted, I don't think any of them see long-term potential with me since they know I'm leaving soon, so instead of winning my heart, their focus becomes more about making sure to get enough time on my calendar, since they are competing for slots with the other guys I'm seeing.

I've been forced to institute a filtering process for deciding with whom to meet up.  It's not very rigorous - after all, you can't tell much about chemistry or charm without meeting a person face-to-face.  However I do have some loose criteria that a guy must meet before I agree to spend time with him.  First, he has to pass the "smell" test.  I look him up on LinkedIn and sometimes Facebook to confirm that his online presence mirrors what he's told me about himself.  In one case, I'm pretty sure the guy is married because his Facebook profile is only a couple months old, he has 26 friends in total and 25 of them are cute females that I'm guessing he met on Couch surfing.  Also the name on his Facebook profile is "Aviator Dinghy" but his real name is "Sanjay Kumar."  Yeah...there's something fishy going on there, so I won't be meeting up with that guy.  Second, he has to be cute.  Sorry guys, but I have too many suitors to not screen by attractiveness.  Third and finally, he has to have a good or interesting job.  This has little to do with money (since I'm perfectly capable of paying my own way, thank you very much), but it's more to do with the job indicating the level of intellect and the quality of conversation that will come from the guy. 

I have to admit that my screening process isn't foolproof.  Last night is a perfect example.  I went out with a guy, who I haven't yet mentioned on the blog, but let's call him Mr. Possibly Wears Eyeliner On Weekends.  The reason I give him this name is because the photos he sent me prior to meeting made him look very hip and metro, and it wouldn't take a giant imaginative leap to picture him imitating Jared Leto or Johnny Depp and wearing eyeliner as a fashion statement.  Deciding to make the judgment for myself in person, I ran him through the checklist.  First - his online presence matched up with what he told me.  Second, he is an attractive guy.  Finally, he has a good job - he heads the credit-risk group for one of the major banks here in Bombay.  We chatted and texted for a couple days, and he seemed normal enough.  He told me that he usually stays in on weeknights, so I honestly was expecting him to be kind of conservative and boring (except for the possible eyeliner habit).  Boy, was I wrong.

Mr. Possibly Wears Eyeliner On Weekends started off the night with one red flag, which should have warned me what was coming.  He suggested going to a bar in Bandra called Lagerbay, mentioning "they have ladies night on Tuesdays so that should be fun."  My general understanding of the concept of ladies night is that women come in for free or cheap drinks, and men come to the bar to hit on the women who are boozing.  It doesn't exactly seem the right place to bring a date, don't you think?  I shrugged it off and agreed to meet him there, since maybe it's just a fun crowd that caused him to make the suggestion.  Once we're at the bar, though, it becomes obvious that he was indeed there to check out all the ladies in the place. He seated himself in a position where he could see every woman that walked into the bar, and he proceeded to give each of these lucky ladies the old up-and-down with his eyes as he's pretending to listen to my witty and charming anecdotes.  I suppose I'm the luckiest lady of them all since I got to sit there for several hours enduring this rudeness.

He eventually does start focusing his gaze on me when the conversation turns from intellectual topics to scandalous ones.  We start talking about my dating life and the adventures I've been experiencing by seeing multiple men here.  My "keep everything casual" attitude seems to interest him - VERY much.  I'm in the middle of telling him a story about one of my suitors (Mr. Harmless Sociopath) who was being a drama queen by intentionally trying to piss me off by asking me which of my friends he should ask out once I leave for the states.  He wasn't actually serious about wanting to ask out my friends - he was just testing me to see what my reaction would be.  My response to this question had been "Ask out whoever you want, just don't ask me to set you up with anyone.  That's a little bit too much like a  70's key party for my taste..."  Mr. Possibly Wears Eyeliner On The Weekend then takes this statement and decides it's an appropriate segue to discussing some stories from his dating life - how he's a swinger.  Yes, THAT kind of swinger.

I've never met anyone who so freely admitted to having this...um...adventurous (?) lifestyle, so I take the opportunity to ask him as many questions as I can imagine.  How does one find people to swing with?  Who is his partner that he takes to these events?  How did he decide that it was something he wanted to try?  How exactly do the logistics work?  Nothing was off the table, since if this guy was going to share all the dirty details with me, I was certainly going to keep asking questions.  After all - I have scores of people to entertain on my blog!   I definitely didn't tell him I'd be posting any of this, though - thankfully he doesn't have the link.

It turns out that this guy swings with a female friend of his who is similarly adventurous.  He just "had a thought" one day that it's something he might like to try, so he went online and found some websites that cater to this type of thing.  He and his friend screened several couples - apparently it's ok to be choosy in this type of situation, and you need to make sure that all parties are attracted to each other before going through with it.  His first experience was with a couple from Delhi who were in Mumbai on holiday - they were married 5 years and had decided to start experimenting with their bedroom lives.  Mr. Possibly Wears Eyeliner On The Weekends went with his "friend" to their hotel room and there they had their...adventure.  Apparently strip poker is the easiest way to get the process started. 

These revelations have me stunned - after all, he seemed like a boring banker with minimal social life.  How did I end up hearing about sleeping with multiple partners at once?  He looked so innocent and normal when I first met him - he was wearing his work clothes, including a tailored white button-down collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, which is my absolute favorite look on a guy.  He drives a Prius - in India - for crying out loud!  How did he end up being so...unconventional?  I ask him if his friends or colleagues would believe any of these stories about him if they were to hear them through the grapevine, and he shook his head with a definitive no.  "I can't tell anyone I'm close with about the stuff I do in the bedroom - they would judge me.  You're a stranger and you're the only person I've told about the swinging except for the people I do it with, since you won't judge me."  Sorry, buddy, but you need to revise your expectations: I'm DEFINITELY judging you right now...

Now, if you're thinking that the conversation can't get any worse, you'd be wrong.  Once he's finished answering my questions about the whole swinging lifestyle, I ask him what the next adventure on the docket is for him.  He then starts telling me how he wants to have a threesome and how his female swinger friend has agreed to be one participant, and he's found the third participant on one of his dirty websites.  The surprise is that the third participant isn't a girl, it's a guy!   Apparently the female involved would only agree to a threesome if it involved herself and two guys, and Mr. Possibly Wears Eyeliner On The Weekends is so desperate to experience three people in bed at once that he is going along with it.  He was quick to clarify that he's not bi - he won't be doing anything with the guy, just doing things to the girl at the same time as the other guy is as well.

And then, it happens. The conversation turns from being about him to being about me, and he starts trying to convince me that this swinging lifestyle is something that I should participate in as well.  Apparently the threesome he's arranged was supposed to happen last week, but his female friend is travelling for work, and so he's looking for a replacement.  It's around this point that I stop being entertained and start being really grossed out, so I finish my drink and tell him I need to go home because I have an early start in the morning. 

Bottom line: Mr. Possibly Wears Eyeliner On The Weekends is a creep.  As much as I'd love to gather more ridiculous stories from him to share with you all, I'm worried that he would perceive my continued interest in meeting up with him as interest in partaking in his questionable decision-making processes, so in the interest of safety I have declined his invitation for a second date.  Actually the way I did it was over text message this morning:

Him: "Btw...I would like to meet you again, sometime when you don't have work the next day..."
Me: (no response)
Him: "Did I scare you last night with my talks?"
Me: "Scared? No.  Grossed out?  Yes.  Thanks for a creepy evening and plenty of material for my blog.  Hope your day is going well!"

Too much?  Eh, clearly this guy has no sense of boundaries in the first place.  Though I expect he does have a "safe word," I didn't stick around long enough to find out what it is...







 

The Golden Temple

Still catching up on posts from last weekend - bear with me.

Aside from the Wagah border ceremony, we mostly spent our time in Amritsar viewing the main attraction of that town - the Golden Temple (also known as Harmandir Sahib).  This is a very holy temple in the Sikh religion - commonly accepted as being the center of Sikhism in the world. 

Hi, everyone...

The temple was built in the 16th century, originally in a forest surrounded by a lake.  Today it is nestled inside a fortress-like compound that seemed to have been built for the purpose of enshrining this temple and further removing it from the busy, dirty world outside.  The temple is surrounded today by a holy pool filled with "immortal nectar."  Some lucky koi-like fish get to reside in this pool (I'm not sure what makes them so special). 

The temple, surrounded by the holy pool in the middle of the fortress

 



Because this site is so holy, there are some required signs of respect that all visitors are asked to observe.  First, you have to remove your shoes and leave them with a shoe-check facility that is about 100m away from the entry to the fortress.  If you try to bring your shoes inside (not wearing them), they will send you back out and make you leave them behind.  It doesn't cost anything to check your shoes, but it's a pain to wait in line to do so.  Second, you have to cover your head.  Covering your head is considered a sign of respect, and both men and women are asked to do so.  Third, you have to wash your feet before entering.  After walking 100m barefoot on a path that's been travelled by nearly 100,000 people per day, I can understand why it's appropriate to wash your feet before entering a holy site.  In our particular case, the carpets that are laid down on this path had been soaked by the rains, so we walked that entire stretch through squishy, soggy, mouldy old carpet.  Ew.  Thankfully, the temple has a small pool of clean water at the threshold to the temple so that you can wash yourself.

People washing their feet in the pool before entering the temple

 

Passing through the white gates into the temple complex, we quickly left behind the noise and dirt of the city of Amritsar.  Inside there, we are walking on clean, white marble floors and walk slowly by all of the other visitors, speaking in hushed voices.  People's reactions inside the temple vary according to their purpose in visiting the site.  For the Sikhs who were there, some would kneel down and kiss the ground that serves as the threshold to the holy site.  Others would prostrate themselves on the ground and pray.

 

A common sight

 

 

Others still would strip down to their underwear and bathe themselves in the waters of the holy pool. 

 

A father and his son in the holy pool - the chains attached to the wall are there for people to pull themselves out of the pool when they're done

 

Of course, only the men would strip down in public, but there was a screened off area where women could do the same in privacy.

 

Ami and I entered the screened off area but didn't actually enter the holy pool ourselves...

 

The line to get into the temple was incredibly long - we actually didn't have the time or patience to wait around for hours in such an impressive queue.  Instead we walked around the temple complex and saw it from all angles.  The gilding and embellishments on the building are beautiful - both at night and during the day (we visited twice so that we could get the full effect).

 







The temple at night

 

The same view during the day

 





On Sunday, our other touristy outing was to a site commemorating a massacre that took place there in 1919.  The site - called Jallianwala Bagh - was the place where the massacre took place, and has now been converted into a garden and memorial space in honor of those who died.  At the time of the massacre, about 15,000 people had gathered in a public garden to peacefully protest a discriminatory law that had been passed by the British, which required all Indian men to crawl on their hands and knees down a certain stretch of road where a white British woman had been attacked by a mob.  The local commanding officer of the military decided that this amounted to gross insurrection, and he marched in a group of troops and opened fire on these people.  Estimates range from 400-1,000 dead and at least another 1,000 injured.  The general was relieved of his position and discharged from the army, but that doesn't change anything for the families who lost everything.  The garden today is a popular gathering site for families - we saw lots of people just lying in the grass, eating picnics and relaxing - the atmosphere is serene and quiet.  It's sad to think that it took such a tragedy to create a corner of peace in this loud city.

 

Walkway through the memorial gardens, leading up to a memorial statue

 

A marker on the spot from which the soldiers stood, shooting at the crowd

 

 

That's it for my Amritsar stories - I have a TON more photos of this trip.  Come to think of it, I should probably start a Picasa album or something...will keep you posted...